"This screenplay by Theodore Trout reads well.
He would have to take out the copyrighted characters by others,
such as the Beagle Boys and Olive Oyl, and replace them with parodic versions."
0:00 - Norbert steps out the door and out of frame, wading into a hail of bullets with both guns blazing.
(no sound, just the music)
0:08 - The Freaks flee out the window and make good their escape,
but they are penniless and fugitive, skulking down alleys and resorting to crude disguises to try to avoid the police.
0:28 - They acquire the gigantic purple Phutney Creach and after extensively refurbishing it,
come up with the idea of selling tickets to finance their trip outta town 'til the heat settles down.
They park the bus and hang out a shingle reading 'Freak Bus, $10' .
1:18 - Oat Willie skates up with a Handbill for Wailin' Willie's Outlaw Music Festival in Hoyo del Diablo, Texas.
Because the concert is free, the Freak Bros can advertise themselves as a concert tour package and charge more !
They hang out a shingle reading 'Concert Festival Tour, $20' .
1:40 - Lotsa freaks show up, and the tickets sell out fast.
Fortunately, the Phutney Creach is much bigger on the inside than on the outside.
Little Orphan Amphetamine shows up with her dog .
2:00 - Cameo appearances by Arnold Peck, Honeybunch Kaminski, Checkered Demon, Nard'n Pat, Trots 'n Bonnie, Hugh and Fred, Cheech Wizard, Snappy Sammy Smoot, Zippy the Pinhead, Waldo the Cat, etc., etc., etc.,
plus Olive Oyl as Shelley Duvall.
2:25 - Ms. Joplin appears to sing her vocal break.
3:05 - Janis dancing with the freaks as she sings.
3:25 - Franklin: "All Abooooard !"
The Phutney Creach takes flight and soars through the clouds.
- A huge Merry Prankster rolling drug party is soon underway.
3:52 - Mickey Mouse flies by in an cartoon biplane, he waves hello to the Freaks.
(in sync with Janis' "whoo")
They wave back.
4:12 - The Phutney Creach eventually flies away into the clouds with Olive Oyl waving from the deck on the back
(concurrent with Janis' final notes).
- The Phutney Creach disappears into the distance.
4:28 - (Music ends)
Pan downward through the clouds to earth, eventually to ground level.
- The Phutney Creach is motionless in the desert.
Freddy sits stoned behind the wheel, motionless. Phineas and Franklin sit beside him.
SFX: Crickets
Franklin: " Freddy - "
Freddy: "- what."
Franklin: " Freddy - "
Freddy: "- what."
Franklin: " Freddy - "
Freddy: "- what."
Franklin: " Freddy - for god's sake man - slow down ."
Act 3, Scene 2
Wipe to: wheel's eye view of the Phutney Creach trundling along the highway.
A road sign heaves into view at the side of the road reading 'Hoyo Del Diablo, 25 miles'.
Below it is a large arrow pointing right.
As it gets closer, it becomes apparent that the sign has been papered over with posters.
- Close on Freddy, riding shotgun to Franklin.
Freddy: "Hey, what's that say ?"
- Close on Poster, which reads,
" This way > to Wailin' Willie's Outlaw Music Festival. Tonight !"
- Franklin: "Looks like this is the place !"
- The Phutney Creach turns off the highway onto a little dirt track leading out into empty desert.
- After hours of rugged travel, they are hopelessly lost in the desert, out of road , with no concert in sight.
Night is beginning to fall.
- Interior, PC cockpit. Phineas enters from behind bead curtain.
Phineas: "Hey Franklin, are we there yet? The natives are getting restless !"
(he gestures toward the back of the bus.
Franklin: "I don't get it! The road just disappeared.
Get up on the roof and see if you can spot anything, willya ?"
- Phineas ascends to the roof, peers out through the dusky haze.
Phineas: "Hey, Franklin ?"
Franklin: "What ?"
Phineas: "STOP !!! "
- The bus screeches to an abrupt halt;
the clearing dust reveals that they are parked on the western edge of a vast natural amphitheater,
recessed beneath the level of the desert like a meteor crater.
The road apparently leads in from the opposite side, and is jammed with traffic pouring in from above.
It is a series of narrow, winding one lane switchbacks.
The floor of the crater looks to be an already unnavigable dogshow of thousands of writhing bodies,
surrounding a large stage stacked with giant speakers.
SFX: Crowd roar, motors, bands tuning, lots of reverb.
Music (distant): "C.I.A. Man" by The Fugs
- Franklin and Phineas stand on the bus surveying the scene.
Freddy's head pokes up through the hatch.
Phineas: "That must be it !"
Franklin: "Well, I'll be dipped in dogshit."
Freddy: "What the hell! Let's just drive 'er in from this side !"
- Freddy seizes the wheel and pushes the aged land yacht some considerable ways down the rough rutted crater wall.
Passengers: "GHASP !!!"
SFX: bash bump smash crunch etc.
- The Phutney Creach comes to rest just above the edge of the crowd.
Freddy: "This is close enough. "
Franklin: "Wow! It's a gathering of the tribes! A regular Woodstock of the Wild West !"
- The passengers alight from the bus. Phineas hails a passing vendor.
Phineas: "Do you know where I could get a drink of water ?"
Vendor: "They ain't no water round here partner !
All us Outlaws drink nothin' but bottle after bottle of good old 'Long Neck Turtle' beer !"
- Everybody buys beer off the Vendor.
Phineas: "So, what's the occasion of the festival ?"
Vendor: "On this day in 1883 was the hanging of all seventeen of the Snipe Brothers !
As fine a bunch of Outlaws as there ever was !
Horse thieves, all of 'em. "
Phineas: " - I see. "
Vendor (heading off): "It don't take much of an excuse for us Outlaws to have a festival !
All we need to have fun is an adequate supply of:
LONG NECK TURTLE !!! One dollar and fifty !"
- The freaks sit amongst the Outlaws, passing joints and swigging long neck turtle.
Franklin (peering at the distant stage): "Who's that guy ? He doesn't look like Willie Nelson or Waylon Jennings or anyone I've ever heard of ?"
Teenage Outlaw: "Who said anything about those guys ?
That there's Wailin' Willie Wallclimber ! He's a REAL Outlaw ! He escaped from prison thirty-seven times !"
Franklin: "er, uh ... he must have a wonderful voice !"
Teenage Outlaw: "Well, I don't much care what his voice sounds like to tell you the truth ! The point is that he's an Outlaw !
Everybody performing here tonight are real Outlaws: misfts, weirdos, drifters, drug offenders, badasses and bandidos.
Who cares what they sound like ? They just get up and do their thing."
- Wailn' Willie shoots his bass player as the song ends.
SFX: Crowd roar, wild applause.
Franklin: "So, anybody who's an outlaw can get on stage ?"
Teenage Outlaw: "You boys outlaws ?"
- The Freaks exchange looks.
Freak Bros: "YEAH ."
Fat Freddy: " ... and then some !"
Teenage Outlaw: "Well then get on up there cousin ! Let's hear ya !"
- Close-up on heavily bearded biker.
Announcer: "Laaaaadies an' Men !! Our next act is wanted for possession, trafficking, cultivation,
fraud, anarchy, vandalism, indecent exposure, bank robbery, arson, assault on an officer, destruction of police property,
and busking without a fuckin' license.
Won't you please give a warm welcome to the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers !!!"
SFX: Crowd roar, applause, car horns, engines revving, gunfire.
Act 3, Scene 3
- The Freak Bros. take the stage with their instruments
.
Song: "Theme Song from the Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers".
( The action follows the story of the same name from FB #2 )
The Fabulous Furry Feak Brothers: (singing)
"We went lookin' for the good life but we shoulda stood in bed
'Cause the stuff we ate and drank and breathed it plumb clogged up our head
And the things we saw on Teevee on the news each night at ten
Were enough to make you want to grab your towel and throw it in.
Well sometimes out in the country you can still hear birdies sing
You can't hear 'em, though, 'cause jet-airliners drown out everything
And say, whatever happened to those simple things we prized ?
There'll be a lotta changes made next month when we get organised !
We went looking for America, but we couldn't find a thing
'Cause the air was thick and yellow and our eyes began to sting
And the traffic was so heavy that you couldn't turn your head
If you slowed down below eighty you'd be dead !
Well, way out there in the country you can still hear birdies fly
You can't see 'em though, 'cause neon signs and billboards fill the sky
But we don't lay awake at night and we don't even sweat
We just light ourselves another cigarette.
Both the Saviour and the Chairman said we all live in the sea
Stick your nose up in the air , man, and the truth will come to thee
We are fish upon the surface, see the scum go sailing by
Won't someone please turn on that great big fishbowl filter in the sky ?"
- cut back to Freak Bros. on stage .
Franklin: (singing) "Well I don't care if I do die"
Phineas and Freddy: (singing) "Doo dah"
Franklin: (singing) "Do die"
Phineas and Freddy: (singing) "Doo dah"
Franklin: (singing) "Do die, gonna stick my noodle in the old gray air 'til I do die"
Phineas and Freddy: (singing) "Doo dah"
The Fabulous Furry Feak Brothers: (singing) "Hey !"
SFX: Massive Crowd roars approval
Cat: "I just loooooove that shit-kickin' music."
- after a thunderous ovation, the Freaks leave the stage but suddenly Freddy runs back on.
Freddy: (strumming guitar) "Let's all get drunk and go naked, all get drunk and go naked,
all get drunk and go naaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyked, and lie in a Great Big Pile !
And lie in a great big pile -urk !"
( Franklin and Phineas return and yank Freddy offstage)
Act 3, Scene 4
- The partying continues through the night until all are comatose on the ground.
music : (guitar solo from) "Ball n Chain " by Big Brother and the Holding Co.
- The merciless desert sun rises on a scene of burning cars and cops bearing down.
SFX: Distant sirens, chaos, cops on bullhorns.
- Phineas pokes his head out of his sleeping bag on the rocky crater wall.
Phineas: "My god ! It must be a hundred and twenty degrees already !"
Freddy: "Moannnn, groannn."
Franklin: " Say, have those signs been here all along ?"
- Reveal that they are surrounded by large billboard-sized signs.
SIGN: " Private Property, Absolutely NO TRESPASSING - Violators will be shot."
- Looking across the crater, it becomes apparent that the outlaws have set fire to the cars blocking the switchback,
preventing the cops from advancing into the crater, but also preventing their own escape.
A huge cloud of black smoke billows from the blaze, and cars are starting to explode.
The situation looks to be deteriorating rapidly.
Phineas (pointing toward opposite side of crater):
" The road out of here is blocked with burning cars ! We're trapped in here ! What can we do ?"
Franklin (pointing back upward out of frame): "We'll have to go back out the way we came in !"
- Freddy knocks back a warm bottle of long neck turtle and steps into the cockpit of the Phutney Creach.
After some coaxing, the aged motor starts, but the bloated contraption cannot gain traction on the roadless, almost vertical crater wall.
Freddy: "Everybody's gotta get out and push !"
- All the passengers save the Freaks themselves get behind the PC and start to push it up the rocky slope.
Progress is slow at first, but the arrival of even more cops and what looks like several helicopters on the opposite rim
provides the adrenaline for a huge impossible push straight up past boulders and outcrops
which gathers speed and momentum 'til the bus emerges from the top of the crater like an airborne champagne cork.
SFX: *POIT*
- Interior, PC cockpit.
Franklin: "Go, go go !!!"
- Freddy floors it and the PC shoots forward like a bullet across the desert, away from the plume of black smoke.
Phineas: "Franklin, we can't just ditch all those people back there !"
Franklin: "We can't go back for them either, we'd be caught for sure !"
Freddy: "Incoming, boys."
- A helicopter is visible in the rearview pursuing the PC across the desert.
Franklin: "Aw, sheepshit."
SFX: Distant machine guns, bullets whipping past. One can be heard puncturing the rear window of the bus.
- The helicopter pursues the Freaks across the flat endless plain until they hit an abrupt dip in the road,
which flings them up in the air so that they land on the other side of what appears to be a small arroyo.
Music: changes abruptly from Big Brother to "Black Magic Woman" by Santana.
- As the PC lands with a clatter and continues across the plain, the helicopter pulls up and returns back the way it had come.
Freddy: "Franklin? Where are we ?"
Franklin: "Directly above the center of the earth !"
Phineas: "Franklin, I think we're in Mexico."
Act 3, Scene 5
- Outside the window scenery whizzes by. Pyramids begin to appear, tiny and worn but visibly sticking out of the desert.
As the scene progresses, the pyramids become larger and more elaborate,
and the desert gives way to moderate vegetation and then lush jungle.
They pass a whole ruined city encrusted with foliage.
The Phutney Creach suddenly WHUMPFs to a halt, imbedded in deep impenetrable jungle.
SFX: Central American jungle noises, parrots etc.
Phineas: "Yeah, we're in Mexico."
- The Freaks disembark the Phutney Creach and push into the jungle.
- They emerge from the jungle onto a crystal forest pool. All three dive in, swim across and emerge on the other side.
- Looking up, they see a human sized version of Fat Freddy's Cat, sitting on a branch above them like the Cheshire Cat.
Lion: "MYOWRRRrrrrpurrrr."
- All three 'take' and tear off through the jungle at high speed.
The Lion does not pursue.
Act 3, Scene 6
- They come to the base of a large pyramid, hidden in the dense foliage.
They enter through a small square doorway, and begin to follow an ancient tunnel down into the earth below the pyramid.
- They strike matches for light as the darkness closes in.
The walls are covered in bizarre hieroglyphs depicting scenes of extreme violence.
Freddy: "I wonder where they keep the beer in this place. "
Franklin: "It's really warm and humid down here !"
Phineas: "Maybe we can find some mushrooms !"
- They enter a huge chamber, dominated by a huge semi-spherical stone under a vaulted ceiling.
The surface of the stone is covered in hieroglyphs.
Franklin: "Wow, it's a huge stone, all covered with little pictures !"
Phineas: "It looks like it might be some kind of historical calendar !"
Freddy: "It's ... it's just like a comic strip! I can actually read it! Here's a Mastodon hunt back during the Ice Age !"
Franklin: "I wonder how far on it goes ? Here's the Spanish invasion of America ... and up here ...
... an automobile ? And skyscrapers ?? And flying machines ???"
Freddy: "Holy shit! Here's a picture of us ! How could whoever carved this have known about us ??"
Phineas: "Ha ha ! It's the story of when Fat Freddy ate all sixteen of the hash cookies that I baked for the big party !"
Franklin: "Here's where we sold that kilo of dogshit to Notorious Norbert for $1,000 !"
Freddy: " Gasp! Here we are coming across the desert with the fuzz after us !"
Phineas: "... and here we are in this chamber looking at this very stone !"
Franklin: ".. and here we are being sacrificed on a huge stone altar !"
SFX: approaching footsteps
Phineas: "Someone's coming !"
- Two Ancient Mayan priests enter through the opposite doorway. One is carrying a lantern, the other a huge machete.
First Mayan (subtitled): "I could have sworn I heard voices. "
Second Mayan (subtitled): "Weren't those three guys supposed to be here by now ?"
Act 3, Scene 7
- Cut to the Freak Brothers tearing ass out of the pyramid and back into the jungle again.
Freddy: "Oh god, I think I'm gonna have a heart attack !"
Phineas: "An Amyl ! I'd give anything for an Amyl !"
Franklin: "Shut up and keep running !"
- They suddenly emerge onto a huge open field, full of row upon row of red flowers.
There seems to be an Air Force base in the distance.
Franklin: "Oh wow ! See those monster fields of red flowers ? Those are opium poppies !
And look over yonder! It's a landing strip !"
Phineas: "Good Lord! We've stumbled on a gigantic heroin factory! It must be run by the Mafia or something !"
Freddy: "Geez, lookit all those poppies !
I bet the Federal Nark Department would give us a big reward for reporting this !"
- A huge plane appears, headed for the runway.
Freddy: "Oh wow ! It's an Air Force C5A !"
Phineas: "A whole fleet of them !"
- Close on Freaks, hiding in the shrubbery.
All Three (in unison): "Maybe we'd just better forget we ever saw this particular place !"
- They turn to slink back into the jungle.
SFX: Guns being cocked, rifle bolts being pulled back, etc.
- The freaks are surrounded by mercenary types holding guns.
All Three (raising hands): "Whoops ... "
Act 3, Scene 8
- Interior of military compound.
The three bound Freak Brothers are shoved in through the door and frogmarched over to three poles staked into the ground at the end of the yard.
C.O. : "Okay fruitballs, up against the wall.
This is what happens when you stick your nose in other people's business. "
Freddy: "Oh jeez, they're going to shoot us full of holes just like Marlon Brando in 'Viva Zapata' !"
C.O. : "Stand over there !"
- Freak Bros facing firing squad.
Phineas (crying): "Oh Franklin and Freddy! They're going to kill us !"
Franklin: "They ... they wouldn't kill us just because we saw their smack factory ? Would they ?"
Phineas (pleading): "Oh, don't shoot us! We won't tell anyone what we saw !"
Freddy: "Yeah, listen! Everybody knows you guys have to deal a little 'shit' once in awhile, to make ends meet!
I know how it is; I'm on Welfare !"
C.O. : " Don't be such a bunch of filthy snivelling cowards ! I've shot lots of people ! It doesn't hurt !"
- Cut to profile view of Freaks tied to stakes, facing firing squad.
C.O. : "Ready ... "
Phineas: "Moan ..."
Freddy: "Wail ! Sob !"
- Close on Franklin.
Franklin (looking up): " Hey, is there anybody out there ?
Hello ? Can you hear me ?
Listen,
I'm not much of a philosopher, but the way I see it, if you can get through this life without destroying anything beautiful, you've done the right thing.
I've never been much of an achiever, but the way I see it no-one gets anywhere in this life without swindling old people,
pilfering from the public trust, or wrecking a forest, and I've at least been good enough not to do any of those things, y'know ?
I'm a simple man, and the best I can hope for in life is to try to stay high, humble and honest ...
but because I want to make a difference;
because I want to preserve something beautiful about this time for future generations,
I am going to promise you, that if you'll just let me and my friends off the hook this one last time,
I will make it my mission from this day forth to ensure that the music of the Grateful Dead will never, never, perish from this earth.
It will endure forever as a light to guide the world, this I swear !
Just get us out of this and I promise, I will not fail you. "
- Firing squad, aiming rifles at camera.
C.O. : " Aim ... "
SFX: Approaching whistle.
- Giant Jade Head falls from the sky, crushing C.O. and firing squad .
SFX: THOOM.
- Cut to profile view of Freaks still tied to stakes, now facing Giant Jade Head.
Dust clouds are settling around it.
Music: "Ripple" by the Grateful Dead
Act 3, Scene 9
- MUSICAL MONTAGE ENSUES -
- Cut to full frontal of the Freaks facing the camera, still tied to the posts.
Behind them, the stone wall suddenly topples into dust.
SFX (muted): Fa-GROON
- The Freaks reflexively look over their shoulders at the toppling of the wall.
As they do, it becomes apparent that their bonds have dissolved into straw, and fall uselessly away.
They briefly exchange looks, then antic and 'wipe' out of frame, leaving only three little clouds of dust.
- Freak brothers, fleeing through the Mexican desert.
- Hitching a ride on a chicken truck, dressing in blankets.
- Walking along the highway, they encounter a derelict VW bus.
Phineas hotwires it, and it miraculously starts.
- At the border they look so bedraggled and pathetic that the guard just waves them through.
- Back toward San Francisco.
- Nearing home.
Act 3, Scene 10
Music: "Ripple" by the Grateful Dead (fade down, continues under) -
Freddy: "Well I guess the heat oughta be off by now. Too bad we didn't leave any weed behind, though. "
Phineas: " Oh I think we'll have all the weed we could want, my plants will be ready by now. "
Franklin: (pause) "Well, actually I kinda think they'll be pretty dead by now, won't they ?"
Freddy: "Yeah, Phineas, those things'll have dried up and blown away a long time ago !"
Phineas: "Oh no. I left the water running into the irrigation system."
- Beat. Both Franklin and Freddy slowly turn their gaze toward Phineas.
Franklin & Freddy: " You left the water running ?"
Phineas: (shrugging) "Just a little bit. "
- Exterior. The Freaks pull up outside their building at Mt. Pleasant and Trashview.
The Heffalump Dumpaloon crest is gone, along with all the biker activity out front.
A large banner hangs in the window reading "Moved to New Location ".
- The freaks stand on the sidewalk looking up at their apartment.
Their window shines as brightly as the sky beyond.
Freddy: "Someone left the lights on, too !"
Phineas: "I know I didn't leave the lights on !"
Franklin: (running to the staircase) " That's not a light! That's the sky !"
- The Freaks rush up the stairs, fling open the door and look up.
There is no longer any ceiling on their apartment, and telephone lines are visible against the sky beyond.
- Looking down they see that their floor has also caved in, and the ground floor is a chaotic mess of kiddie pools,
dirt, plants, household fixtures and motorcycle parts.
- Looking directly opposite, they see written on the apartment wall in large red drippy letters:
" YOUR
FUCKEN
DEAD
signed,
the Hog Ridin' Fools "
- Cut to opposite P.O.V., of the Freaks staring banjo-eyed at the painted message.
Motionless but for their eyeballs, they exhange mutual looks , then 'wipe' instantly out of the doorway ...
- ... down the stairs and into the van, which immediately 'wipes' out of frame.
- Van flying down back streets out of town.
- Interior, van.
Phineas: "Omigoshomigosh - What are we gonna do ?"
Freddy: "Franklin, I'm scared. Those Hog Ridin' Fools are really nuts. "
Phineas: "I heard one ate his own Granma !"
Franklin: " Okay everybody just mellow out.
We're gonna lam out to Country Cowfreak's and lay low until we can figure out what to do. "
Act 3, Scene 11
- Exterior, highway. Van tearing ass discreetly out to Cowfreak's.
-Exterior, through the California countryside 'til the VW pulls off under the sign reading 'Shakey Acres'.
- Exterior, Cowfreak's Cabin. The Freak Bros emerge from the now parked VW.
SFX: Doors slam, distant chickens, etc.
Franklin: "That's funny, it looks like there's no-one here. "
- A chicken enters.
Chicken: "Cops came. Busted'im. Busted 'im. Cops came 'n busted 'im. "
Franklin: "Waitaminute ... what ?"
- Cowfreak's remaining chickens enter, pecking and scratching at the ground.
Chickens: "Cops came. Busted'im. Busted 'im. Cops came 'n busted 'im. "
Phineas: " Are - are they trying to say something ?"
- A lone parakeet flutters down from above, and perches next to Freddy.
Parakeet: " They're trying to tell you that Horrigan and O'Rilly ratted Cowfreak out to the local Sheriff;
then the sheriff came out and busted him, clapped him in irons and hauled him off to the County Slammer. "
Freddy: " Wow, I haven't had any weed in a week, but I could swear that that parakeet just spoke to me like it was a person. "
Parakeet: "I'm no parakeet, you fat fool, I'm your uncle Artie.
And I'm telling you, they busted Country Cowfreak and hauled his ass to the County Slammer. "
Chickens: "Cops came. Busted'im. Busted 'im. Cops came 'n busted 'im. "
Freddy: " I can't believe it. Why'd they bust a guy like Cowfreak ? He wasn't hurting anybody. "
Phineas: " Jesus, all that weed ! How many years will he get for THAT ??
He'll be in there forever and - (choke) - ever. "
Franklin (trembling, almost weeping with anger): "Godamnit. What did he do wrong ?
What did Country Cowfreak ever do wrong by anyone ?
Even his chickens all die of old age. I can't stand it .
I can't stand this rotten goddamn country another second.
Why should we have to live like criminals just because of who we are ?
I'd rather die on my feet than live another second on my knees !
Fuck 'em.
Fuck'em all.
I say we bust open the County Slammer, and Free Country Cowfreak ."
Act 3, Scene 12
- What ensues follows the action of 'Shootout at the County Slammer', from FB #2.
Music: "The Ostrich", by Steppenwolf
- long shot of County Jail, flag waving overhead.
- The Freak Bros lurk in the foliage outside.
Franklin: "You Motherfuckers ready ?"
Freddy: "Right On! Free Country Cowfreak!"
Phineas: (smoking joint) "Thhhhhhhhhp !!"
- The Freak Bros. Stride into the County Lock-up.
Freak Bros: "Alright, hands up !!"
- The cops go for their guns, Freddie quickly unloads both barrels at them.
Pause. All three cops lie riddled with shot.
Freddy: "Hey, that was easy! Three in two shots! Right on! Off the pigs! "
- a bullet bounces off the wall next to his ear.
Franklin: (dragging Freddy behind a desk) "Get down and reload !"
- Another cop enters from the side.
Cop: "Surrender in the name of the law-urk."
(Franklin shoots him twice with his .45)
- Three more cops are coming down the stairs.
Phineas kills all three with his pump-action 12 gauge.
Franklin: "Alright Phineas, you cover the stairs. Freddy, you cover his rear. I'll get the keys.
- Franklin runs up the stairs, followed by Phineas.
Franklin halts at the top of the stairs.
Franklin: "What happened to Fat Freddy ?"
Phineas: Oh God! I hope that fat fool hasn't caught a slug!"
Freddy: (from below) "Hey fellas! Come look what I found!"
- Franklin and Phineas run back downstairs, where a door marked 'Narcotics Storeroom' is hanging open.
Fat Freddy sits inside atop a huge pile of confiscated dope.
Freddy: "Wow! Hey (slurp) fellows, this is some (slurp) far out weed (slurp)...
let me roll you up a little (slurp) number..."
- Franklin and Phineas drag Freddy back toward the stairs.
Franklin: "C'mon God damn it! This is a Jail break!"
Freddy: "Awwwwwwwwww...."
Franklin: (back upstairs) "These must be the keys!"
(pulls key ring off hook)
- Exterior of the Jail as several prowl cars pull up. A sheriff walks boldly up the stairs.
Sheriff: "I think there's something funny going on in there!"
-Cut back to Franklin.
Franklin: " I hear more cops! They'll be coming soon from all over the place."
(He produces a bundle of dynamite and lights it)
"This'll make 'em a bit more cautious !"
(He drops the dynamite down the stairwell)
- Exterior of the Jail as the blast blows out the glass door, showering the Sheriff and other cops with broken glass.
SFX: FUMP
Franklin: "Freddy! Cover us while we try to locate Cowfreak!"
(tosses keys to Phineas) "Phineas, take these keys and open that first tank there."
Phineas: (unlocking cell door) "Okay! Everybody is free! Heh heh ... to go back to work !"
- A HUGE tattooed redneck lurches forward, flattening Phineas' nose with a sickening CRUNCH.
Redneck: " No dirty long-haired hippie son of a bitch is gonna let ME out of jail !"
Franklin: (clubbing the redneck back into the cell with the butt of his pistol) "Oh fuck !! Get back in there !"
- Franklin and Phineas lock the big redneck back in his cell, Freddy hollers from the end of the row.
Freddy: " Hey, Cowfreak's down at this end in his own cell !"
- Close-up of Cowfreak behind bars.
Cowfreak: " Why, it's my big-city cousins, Freddy, Frank, and Phineas!
What're y'all doing in this neck of the woods ?"
- Franklin rushes up, rattling the key in the lock of Cowfreak's cell)
Franklin: " Get your traveling duds together, Country ! We're springing you outta here !"
- Cut to Freddy looking out window at the far end of the hall.
Freddy: " Hurry, dammit! There's state troopers arriving thicker'n flies down there !"
- Cowfreak gestures to his cell, which is comfortable and well-appointed.
There is a large bong sitting on the floor next to the bed. Franklin and Phineas 'take'.
Cowfreak: "Yew all want me to leave here ?? Why this is the finest pad I've ever gotten off in !
Water bed, eight track stereo headphones, colour teevee ..."
Franklin: "You mean you don't want to get out of jail ?
You mean we've killed half the cops in the state and you don't want to leave ?
You're insane. "
Cowfreak: "I'm happy here ! They let me have all the dope I want ... here, try some of this fantastic Panama Red ."
(he produces a large doobie)
- Cut back to Freddy, clutching his shotgun.
Freddy (terrified): "They're coming up the stairs!"
- Phineas and Franklin sit smoking with Cowfreak on the floor of his cell.
Cowfreak: "I'd be out of my mind to leave here !"
Phineas: "Good stuff!"
Franklin: "Heavy."
- Cut back to Freddy, looking crazed.
Freddy: "C'mon fellows! Loose that hot lead! At least we'll take some of these pig bastards with us !"
(He fires both barrels down the stairwell)
- Freddy backs up against the wall and cracks his shotgun to reload.
- Freddy is alone in the hallway. A huge crowd of cops peeks around the corner of the stairwell,
grinning with bloodlust. Freddy drops to his knees.
Freddy: "Fellows! Help Me !! We're all going to be killed !!!"
- A huge wall of cops rushes toward Freddy waving clubs and rifles.
Freddy: "Help me !! Help Me!!"
- Freddy falls to the ground under a hail of blows.
Freddy: (desperate)" Fellows! They're killing me !"
- Freddy, rolled into a ball, is relentlessly kicked and pummeled by boots and rifle-butts.
Freddy: (crying) "Yarghh ! Yawhhh !! Yahhh !!!"
- Black.
Act 3, Scene 13
- Freddy wakes up nude in a huge field of naked hippies, Phineas and Franklin are shaking him awake.
Freddy: "No! No, Don't kill me !!"
Phineas : " Wake up man! You ate all 47 of the hash brownies we baked for the concert !" (hands Freddy a beer).
Franklin: " Yeah, you almost missed the main act !" (hands Freddy a joint).
Freddy: "? You guys aren't mad ?"
Phineas : "Of course we're not mad at you, Freddy,"
Franklin: (pats Freddy's back) "Yeah, we love you, man."
Announcer: "Ladies and Gentlemen, are You Ready?
For the greatest Rock'n Roll band in the world, the Grateful Headstones !"
HUGE CROWD ROAR, distant music distorted as through a PA, "Fanfare for the Common Man".
Freddy: "That's - that's my favourite band in the whole world !"
- Freddy looks at the beer in his right hand and the Joint in his left.
Freddy: "We must be in heaven, man !"
- He takes a huge hit on the joint, and exhales a huge cloud of smoke.
- Dissolve.
Act 3, Scene 14
Song: "Ripple" by Jane's Addiction.
- roll credits over silkscreen/tye-dye montage of dancing hippies at an endless Woodstock.
- fade to black, continue rolling credits.
Music: "Ripple" by Ann-Marie Calhoun
- Credits end.
Act 3, Scene 15
Music: "Ripple" by Ann-Marie Calhoun
continues under...
- Fade up on a 'Jetsons' City of the Future complete with flying cars and saucer houses on tall pillars.
SFX: 'Jetsons' flying car noises etc.
Title: "Post-Apocalypse San Francisco"
- Pan down past the saucers, all the way down the stilts to the ruined city below,
in the center of which stands a decrepit park populated with overgrown shrubbery and dying trees.
- Amongst the broken masonry and vandalised water fountains the now aged and decrepit Freak Brothers sit resting on a bench.
Freddy snores throughout. Phineas is a twitchy ball of nerves, he cannot seem to focus on anything for more than a few seconds.
Franklin sits leaning forward on his cane, looking clear-eyed and fierce, otherwise a disheveled ruin of his former self.
- A group of outlandishly dressed teenage street punks approach them on their hoverboards.
Punk 1: "hey, lookit those old guys!"
- They surround and confront the aged Freak Bros.
Punks: " You're old ! You're confused and in the way! We mock your antiquated value system!
Ha ha ha ha ! Ha! "
- close on Franklin.
Franklin: "Listen kid, lemme tell you something.
When I was your age I used to take acid and speed and 'shrooms and 'luudes and STP and DMT and morphine and ketamine
and reds and greens and yellows and blues and uppers and downers and all-arounders.
Now every morning when I wake up, I eat a dozen glazed donuts, and drink a quart of coffee with all the sugar and cream I want !
And then, I have a big glass of brandy !
I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, and a box of cigars a week, as well as all the marijuana and hash I can find !
I eat hot dogs and pizza and beer and chianti and fried food and candy bars and Mexican food all day long !
I used to snort two grams of cocaine a day until i found out the money was going to the Nazis !
Now I only take fine pharmaceutical amphetamines from Switzerland !
And when it's time to go to sleep, I drink a quart of the finest single-malt Scotch whiskey !"
- medium long of the group and Freaks.
Franklin: "... and that's how I got to be so old."
Punk 1: " ...Wow! ... so ... how old are you guys, anyway ?"
